Welcome back to another wewriwa and the second week of March. On my side of the world, we had daylight savings or steal sleep as I call it. LOL. We had to move our clocks forward which means we’ll feel off kilter tomorrow with the “loss” of time. BUT on a good note I’ve got my 8 ready 🙂 Last week Kyele and Arak were on the roof about to enter a Marenian facility where they hope to rescue Lindsey. If you like sneak peeks of authors work in progress feel free to hop along with the blog www.wewriwa.com.
Arak worked quietly but efficiently as he unscrewed the bolts in the steel panel mounted to the roof then slid the heavy weight to the side and eased through the narrow opening. He hooked his ankles for support on an overhead rail pipe mounted to the ceiling. A slight adjustment as he bent from the waist and Arak slid the panel back in place before flipping to land several feet below on silent feet then crept down the hall, keeping his back to the wall.
Arak reached the first door and twisted the handle. His gloved hand muffled the slight creak when the jam separated from the wood frame. He stiffened when he heard a muffled thump from inside and dropped to a crouch. Arak pushed the door open all the way and rolled into the interior aiming for the wall to his left. A laser blast hit the wall above where his head had been spewing chunks of rock all over him.
Alright savvy authors, I have a question. The last line of the 1st paragraph feels awkward and I need to know if its me or if there’s a better way to say this part…”before flipping to land several feet below on silent feet.” It’s saying the word feet so close together that’s niggling at my brain every time I read that line so I’m open to suggestions and grateful to any help. Thanks
Intense, well-choreographed scene. Great snippet!
Thanks Gem
Great snippet. I didn’t even notice the 2 uses of feet n the sentence until you pointed it out.
Tweeted.
Maybe I’m super conscious of it because I wrote it, Victoria. LOL
You can eliminate the second set of feet. Just say: “flipping to land several feet below.” We’ll assume he’s on his feet.
so simple and yet I’m always looking for it to be harder. LOL. Thx Cara
Or flipping to land on silent feet. Terrific eight. Intense and pulls the reader right along.
Thx Charmaine. I keep asking myself what are silent feet other than he landed quietly but for some reason that seemed too obvious?? LOL
Very nice portrayal of action. He could just land silently. We’d assume he landed on his feet unless you said otherwise. Funny, isn’t it, once you begin pulling apart a sentence how many ways there are to say the same thing.
Its only when reviewing certain sections that I suddenly become obsessive about each sentence Alexis. LOL.They sound great the first time, okay the second time and downright wrong by the tenth time 🙂
I like it, Michelle. Very intense scene.
I’m a wordy person, so I fight this sort of thing in my writing all of the time. My sentences all too often border on being run-ons. But I have learned (mostly from the kindness and generosity of wewriwa writers) that when writing action scenes, to up the tension, shorten the sentences as much as possible, and remove extraneous words while still maintaining enough description to keep the reader in the scene. I know. It’s a fine line, and sometimes I manage. Sometimes I don’t.
Word order is a riddle. And it can be done a lot of different ways. here’s one suggestion for the last para:
“Arak reached the first door and twisted the handle. His gloved hand muffled the slight creak when the jam separated from the wood frame. A muffled thump sounded from inside; he stiffened. Dropping to a crouch, he pushed the door open. He rolled inside, aiming for the wall to his left. A laser blasted above where his head had been only seconds before, spewing pieces of the wall all over him.”
And I’m never offended if you think your way is the better option. 🙂
You’re right Teresa. With these scenes short sentences work best. I’m going to review your response later and see what I can rewrite
I think everyone has given you all the good advice. But I like how the action flows so well in the scene, feet or no feet. 🙂 Great 8!
Very exciting snippet, Michelle! The laser blast at the end has me on the edge of my seat. Can’t wait to see what happens next! 🙂
This is a great action scene. I think ‘flipping to land on silent feet’ suggested by Charmaine is a nice alternative if you feel you should change it.
“Arak slid the panel back in place before flipping to land several feet below on silent feet then crept down the hall, keeping his back to the wall.” You don’t need the “on silent feet” at all. We know he was quiet, or else he’d be caught. I’d be more concerned about the multiple instances of “Arak.” We know it’s him, so it’s okay to use “he.” Just mix up the openings so that every sentence doesn’t start with “he.” I hope my observation isn’t offensive. It just jumped out at me. Otherwise, I think it’s an excellent scene, very visual and intriguing.
I didn’t notice that Patricia but maybe in the overall context in that section it didnt jump out to me. Not offended at all 😉
I thought the snippet worked really well, but, seeing as you asked, I would simply say …’before flipping to land silently several feet below. He crept down the hall…’ Great imagery though, you’ve paid a lot of attention to detail!
The ‘two feet’ issue bothered me LOL but I think there’s been great discussion of that already in the comments so I’ll just say I enjoyed the excerpt and thought it was highly dramatic and well described action.
“…before flipping to land on the silken carpet below…” Apologies if that’s already been suggested. I haven’t read the comments above.
Thanks everyone. I resolved my dilemma with two feet
rather than flipping try; with a quick spin in the air he landed on silent feet.
Another good suggestion Mary 🙂 I worked it out yesterday and left it alone or I would play with it forever. LOL
Great tension in this action scene. I really enjoy your writing style!